Video Madness
by ZoieLark
Summary: Kitsune secretly filmed a few mishaps [complete]
1. Welcome

I don't own any parts of Love Hina.

=Welcome=

Hi! Welcome to my room. Come in. Relax. Take off your shoes, your socks, your blouse….no, wait--sorry, got lost in the mood. You don't have to remove your blouse, but if it gets too hot, feel free to. I'll do it first--No? I'll do it later, then.

Um, I just wanted to introduce myself. I am known as the _psychologist_ of my group of friends. Yes, the _psychologist_. I'm not really a _psychologist_, though, and it's good that I'm not one because the advice that I give is less than um…unpleasant. Personally, I like to film my friends as they take my advice. Secretly, of course. That way, I get to make a profit as I sell them to perverted---er---"special" businessmen. 

Anyway, before you go into my secret videos, I thought I'd make a small intro to my standard group of friends. Each of them has two or three videos each.

The first one, my best friend, is currently in this love/hate relationship with this other guy. However, most of my videos aren't of those two…but I do have one that most people haven't seen…She has long hair that constantly blows in the wind. I don't know if it's the place she stands, but the wind always seems to be following her. And, at every crucial scene, it'd blow just perfectly. She's a bomb shell, and has really gigantic jugs. Yes, my friends, her chest is huge! Um, I'm getting off topic again…She wears glasses, sometimes, and has a semi-short temper. Her name is N. Narusegawa. No, wait, you might figure out who she is like that. How about Naru N.*

Next, is a small and shy little thing. She is always at the wrong places at the wrong times. I swear, she has the ability to walk in to the most perverted scenes despite her angelic appearance. You'd think something/someone would protect her from this…not me…She has short blue-ish hair that she claims she doesn't dye, and large eyes of the same color. She is often found in the kitchen cooking. Damn! can she cook. I tasted her pie the other day, (no, that's not a metaphor) and it's absolutely scrumptious! Her name's Shinobu.

There's this other girl who, most people would call her the "tomboy" of the group. She is always practicing her sword fighting or whatever that is. However, if I do say so myself, she's growing to be a sexy lady. Legs that stretch out to…I'm getting off topic again, aren't I. Long black hair and a calm face perfectly describes the really sexy lady. Her name's Motoko.

Then there's this hyper chick. She is foreign and is constantly building things that tend to explode. They're quite fun to use against…well, everyone. There are also some other useful items. I really love the suits she made a few years ago. It lets the wearer become invisible and shows off my body. It's perfect. Her name's Su.

How could I forget Mutsumi? _A lot_ of things happen to this girl and she's a bit…um…aloof to what happens to her. I swear, she gets into some serous shi--wait, I wanna keep this at least PG-13...for now. Anyway, she has a serious rack, something that can rival the watermelons that she always carries around. She's always smiling, and, like me, likes the alcohol. Damn, alcohol is good! **

I also have one on a guy named Keitaro. Yes, a boy! Actually, this video isn't mine. It's home movies made by his mom who was glad to share it with me.

Lastly, is Haruka. It's hard getting videos on this lady because she's so private and sharp. But, I have a couple lying around. Anyway, don't tell her I told you, but she has that type of beauty called "classic beauty." She also tries to watch out for us, even though she doesn't act like it.

Well, those are the people that I have videos on. I tried to get a couple on Sarah and Kaneko, but they caught me. Why? Well, I wasn't exactly being quiet or trying to hide. Damn that monkey!--Sorry, off topic again.

Well, tell me which of those vixens entice you most. Who do you wanna see in the privacy of your home? Naru N? Shinobu? Motoko? Su? Mutsumi? Haruka? Keitaro?

Oh, by the way, my name's Kitsune if you were wondering. Don't worry, take your time. I wanna see what you pick.

==End Chapter==

*Gotten from an episode of the Simpsons.

**I wouldn't know. I haven't tried it.


	2. Haruka's Tale

I don't own any parts of Love Hina!

===

Ah! So you've picked the classy woman, Haruka Urashima. Nice choice and a good one to start with. I honestly have to tell you, I wasn't expecting her to be the first. Anyway, getting stuff on her was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I tried to set her up on several occasions but she caught me...except for this one…sorta. Trust me, with all the camera's I used, you've got nothing but quality.

So, on to the movie, right? Where's my pay?

Just kidding, just kidding. You don't have to get your underwear in a twist. I could do that for you!

Hehehehe. Anyway, I know how this thing works. You've gotta **sample **just a little bit before you buy anything, right? Alright. Here we go.

*pops the movie into the video cassette player. Odd noises and moans are being heard with a steamy scene that makes Kitsune blush hard.*

Oops! Wrong video. Gotta destroy that one, later. Unless you wanna see it... It's called _The Choir Boys Are Singing._

Haruka, still? Oh, alright. She might kill me if she knows I showed this to you, but a woman's gotta make a living, right? 

*rummages through more videos*

Oh, this is the one. *pulls out a video labeled, _The Shovel and the Lost Melon Ball._ *

Without further ado, I give you Haruka's Tale. 

=Haruka's Tale=

Softly, the wind descends upon a small building standing near Hinata Inn. As the camera starts to pan over the small Japanese style tea building, Haruka stands outside in her usual black sweater, khaki shorts, brown stockings and apron. She reaches deep into her pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. With a flick of her wrist, a cigarette pops out of the box and she places it on the bottom of her lip. She then searches for some matches.

Suddenly, off in the distance, a crash is heard. It echoes throughout Hinata, causing most of the residence to duck and hide. However, Haruka stands perfectly still and lights her cigarette from the flames that erupt from just behind her. Su bounces by, following a small flying turtle with a large cannon like object. "Give me back my Stinky PETE!" Su yells at the turtle, Tama.

"Sh!t, they're noisy today," Haruka murmurs. She turns on her heel and walks back into the building. Suddenly, she stops and turns to look over her shoulder. "Damn it, Kitsune, quit video taping me. I thought I said I'd throw that thing away if you didn't stop."

"Sorry, Haruka," Kitsune murmurs and drops the camera to her side. "I promise I won't do it again. Have you seen Su by the way?"

"She just past by." Haruka goes back into the tea house as Kitsune runs toward the area where Su had headed.

Kitsune found Su sitting on top of the turtle. "Did you and Sarah put the cameras into Haruka's room, bathroom, and all over the tea house."

Sarah pops out from a floor board with dirt covering her face. "Course we did."

Su bounces to a television set and turns it on. "You can see everything from here."

Kitsune grins and cracks her knuckles. "Good. Let's watch what's happening. Sarah, send in your papa."

===

At first, all you see in the television screen is static, a spoon, and someone's nose. It eventually clears up so you can see what's happening in Haruka's room.

Haruka sits in her room staring at an old tattered picture of her and Sarah's mother. She grins sadly and briefly before she sticks it back into an old book that Seta had given her. "The past," she murmurs softly and turns around. Suddenly, her eyes grow wide as she sees Seta standing at the foot of her bed.

Trying not to blush, Haruka raises her arms in a defense position as Seta's eyes catch hers. "What the hell do you want?" she asks in her usual uncaring voice.

"What don't I want?" He raises his eyebrows.

"You're askin' for it." Haruka's eyebrows turn down as she watches him closely. Suddenly, she drops her hands and smirks. "You're planning something, aren't you?"

He winks and takes a few steps closer to her. He grins knowingly as he realizes that she isn't taking any steps back. 

Seta stands over Haruka, his eyes burrowing into hers. "Haruka," he whispers softly. His breath stirs the ends of Haruka's face and hair, tickling her for a moment.

"Seta…" Haruka's voice sounds breathless in the large room.

===

"Oh crap, he's gonna do it!" Kitsune cries out as she half stands and starts shaking the television. "I'm gonna be out 20 bucks!"

Sarah stares curiously at the fox-eyed woman. "What did you bet on?"

Kitsune drops back into her seat and shakes her head. "That Seta wouldn't be able to kiss her."

"YOU BET ON HARUKA?" Sarah screams. "She's gonna kill you!"

"Yes," replies Kitsune who now sits resigned to her fate. She picks up a knife that was left on the table and brings it to her neck. "But it was a good life so I don't mind."

"YOU'RE ALREADY GIVING UP?" Sarah yells while she kicks the knife out of Kitsune's hand and replaces it with a spork. A plastic spork.

===

"Seta…" Haruka repeats as Seta's head slowly starts to descend. 

SMACK! Her knee makes contact with his crotch. "What exactly are you trying to pull?"

Seta doubles over, his usual smile becoming strained. "I think my testicle just got inverted… get me my spork…" he grumbles before he passes out.

Haruka frowns and slowly turns. She cocks her head to the side as if she's listening for something. Then she sighs. "Crap, Kitsune, I thought I told you to stop…"

===

Kitsune takes a look at the spork, "Wait, what's this spork used for?"

****

=+=

HA!

*Kitsune takes the tape out of the VCR.*

I said that I'm only going to give you a **SAMPLE**. Did you like it? Do you wanna buy it? $20.99 *whispers* times 10 to the 30th power *out loud while music plays in the background as she uses the tape to cut a piece of bread* or two easy payments of $29.99 plus shipping and handling!

No? Want something cheaper? Well, I still have Keitaro, Naru, Su, Motoko, Mutsumi, and Shinobu. Would you like to sample some of those before you make your choice? 

Fine. 

Who?

===

Meanwhile…

Haruka stares at Kitsune's window and narrows her eyes. "Something's not right…" she whispers. 

"What's wrong, Haruka," asks Motoko who had just finished training. She wipes the sweat off of her brow and stares at the older woman for a minute.

Haruka shrugs. "Just a bad feeling."

"What?"

Haruka grins and glances up at Motoko. "Maybe it's nothing. Never mind."

==End Chapter==


	3. Shinobu's Wild Ride

Ah! So you've chosen the delectable Shinobu! Her large trusting eyes and mouth that's forever pouting really turns my customers on. She is (should I say it) a fine dish, to some people.

Well, I have just the sample video for you! I got this at the festival. 

*tosses Haruka's video into the pile, marked sell*

You know, the festival. Remember the festival? The one with me drunk in the manga series? 

…

Yeah, I guess that really doesn't narrow it down.

*picks up a video titled Tromboner, the Legend Continues*

Is this it? Nope…

*turns to crowd*

Um…in the anime series, it was the one when I was stuck on the island with Sarah!

Ah, you remember! 

Well, after Shinobu leaves young Keitaro behind, she decided to go on one of the rides…However, she didn't know what awaited her young supple flesh…

=Shinobu's Wild Ride=

Shinobu sighed softly, letting the air escape her lungs. She had let her sempai leave her side. She knew, with all her heart, that Sempai had loved another woman…a woman that she herself cared about.

Motoko glanced at little Shinobu and frowned. "Are you thinking of that idiot again?" she said distastefully.

Shinobu nodded.

Motoko's frown became worse. "I'll kill that Urashima for making you sad! He seems to be stuck in the habit of making young girl's cry. He doesn't deserve to breathe the same air that the rest of us do…"

Shinobu grabbed Motoko's sleeve. "No, it's okay," she whispered with a fake smile. "Really, it is." She stared around the park, trying to get Motoko's anger away from her sempai. "Um…" It was no use. She couldn't think of anything. Finally, Shinobu blurted out the first thing that came to her lips. "I wanna go there!" she pointed off into an unknown direction.

Motoko's eyes followed the way Shinobu was pointing. "The porn shop?"

Shinobu cried. "AH? NO NO NO! I MEAN" Her arms started flailing left and right. "I wanna go on that ride with you!" She stopped, covering her face with one hand and pointing it with the other. Shinobu peeked through her fingers and stared at the Tunnel of Love ride.

"What exactly are you trying to tell Motoko?" Su whispered behind Shinobu's ear. Shinobu jumped, frightened, and turned around to find Su, Haruka, and Seta standing behind her.

"I--AH--I"

Su starts dancing around. "Shinobu _loves_ Motoko! Shinobu _loves_ Motoko! And not in the friend kind of manner. But in the LOVER kind! Shinobu want's Motoko to be her LOVER!"

"AHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" cried Shinobu as she took off running

===

They all stood in line, waiting for the ride to continue. Seta got into one of the boats that looked a lot like a rooster's head with a panda's body. He held up his hand for Haruka to grasp, but she kicked him in the face, crossed her arms, and got in by herself.

Another couple got into the next boat that was shaped like a frying pan with a pony tail.

"LOOKIE SHINOBU! THIS ONE'S YOURS!" Su yelled as she pushed Shinobu into the boat with another couple. 

"Get me off of this!" the blue haired girl cries as she tries to grab onto the dock. Unfortunately, the frying pan takes off into the tunnel before Shinobu could fully pull herself onto the dock, it's long hair flowing behind it like a banner! A banner of love. For the next 20 minutes, she is accosted by paper hearts, naked babies with wings attached to their backs (they're dolls…I think…), and of course, the couple smooching behind her.

Shinobu hangs half on, half off the boat, her face red from all the noises that the couple was making behind her. Suddenly, she feels a boot on her back, moving rhythmically. Shinobu cried silently to herself as she tried her best to scoot away from the couple.

=+=

And so ends the small snippet of Shinobu's tale. It kinda gets a bit violent after Motoko and Su find Shinobu passed out in the boat with a letter that says "arigatoo gozaimasu" scribbled along her forehead. The rest of the tape, probably not suitable for people under or over the age of 21. Don't worry, Shinobu doesn't get damaged physically or sexually…just emotionally. I mean, that girl was crying out like a buffalo being *ahem* by it's herd…But, for the low low price of 3 billion dollars, you can see for yourself.

Thinking about it now, I could have saved her since I was video taping the whole thing. But, I've been busy 'teaching some lessons' if you know what I mean. Yep! I was teaching some kids how to bribe their way out of getting caught by streaking! Besides, Shinobu would forget about that event sooner or later, right?

Still not forking it over, huh?

Okay. Well. Why don't we move onto another person then? Keitaro? Motoko? Su? Naru?

Make your choice, I have them all!

===

Meanwhile

Motoko opens a drawer in her room, taking out a small device that she had Su make…just in case. It starts beeping uncontrollably. "Crap," Motoko whispers as she runs out the door. She finds Sarah having a spork fight against Su in the middle of the hallway. Staring at Sarah and Su, she says, "Get everyone over here. Kitsune's showing people the videos.

Su and Sarah drop the utensils and it crashes against the floor. The clatter echoes for a few breathless moments as their eyes grow large in understanding. Without a second to waist, the two girls crawl into the secret spaces of Hinata and go in search of the residence.

=End Chapter=


	4. Secrets in the Bedroom

I don't own any parts of Love Hina.

===

Kitsune: WHAT??? What do you mean you'd like to see Tama-chan fall in love??? You're one sick and perverted…WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! Don't leave. I never said that I _didn't _have anything on Tama-chan. If that's how your taste is gonna sway, whom _I_ to say that you're a pervert. Hell, I recorded a turtle love session for crying out loud.

Kitsune: So, will you stay?

Kitsune: Thanks.

Kitsune: I think it's the one with Motoko, since you also wanted Motoko, in it…but I'm not sure…now where'd I put that?

*rummages through her video collection*

Kitsune: Let's see…*mumbles* not G String Snaps Back…not Eternal Happiness: The Ten Second Reunion… Banana's in Pajamas?! How the hell did this get here?

Kitsune: Hmmm. Not here. Hold on, I'll be right back. I think I left it down in the…um…I'll be right back. *bursts out of the room, shuts the door, and runs down the stairs*

*While she is gone, the door knob slowly turns and the door opens. In walks Haitani Masayuki, his face a bit red and his eyes closed for the moment. He carries with him a bouquet of nearly dead flowers.*

Haitani: Kitsune, I'm here to fix the problem of your lack of suitors…

*His eyes pop open and he is confronted with all the people reading this story.*

Haitani: Huh? What's going on here? Who are you? Don't tell me this is going to be a mass orgy! Is it? Cuz then I'm in! *he starts to strip.*

Haitani: Wait, she's showing you guys videos of the Hinata girls? You want to see Tama? Well, I have it with me right now! But let's rewind it to see a bit of me in there. Hmmm? Why do I have it? Uh….*Pops in Video* I'll go and find Kitsune…

*The video starts to play, the bass guitar at full blast.*

=+=

Secrets in the Bedroom

Motoko stands in the middle of the steps to Hinata. Her eyes, large and luminous, are lost in thought as she debates whether or not to go back home and train. A lot of things has been happening to her as of late. Her wanting to go to Tokyo University, her rising love for someone, her growing up…she sighs and turns on her heel.

"Motoko, right?"

She turns around, her hair flying in the wind (very Naru-like). Her eyes clash with that of Haitani, a tall man who hung out with Urashima in the beginning of the series then mysteriously disappeared for awhile.

Motoko's eyebrows snap down in anger. She didn't want to deal with anyone right now, least of all him. 

She reached down, forgetting the fact that she had left her sword at home since it wasn't allowed at school.

Haitani coughs and blushes. "I just wanted to say that I'd love to get a picture of you and men with a couple of other girlAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Motoko's foot makes contact with his crotch and he goes flying off in another direction. 

Motoko grinned and went up to her room.

===

Everything was a mess. There were papers strung everywhere, her sheets stripped from her bed, and her books lay haphazardly on the floor…and some on the ceiling. What had happened? 

Motoko quickly went to her closet where she pulled out her sword. It couldn't have been a burglary, otherwise they would have taken her sword and armor. Her eyes darted every which way, making sure to catch every slight movement. _There, in the corner under the sheets._

Using her toe, she flipped the sheets aside and brought her sword down to stop mere inches away from her intruder.

Tama lay in a sexy pose drinking from a little sake cup that had to belong to Kitsune.

The turtle's head swung and stared at Motoko.

Motoko felt her hands begin to shake and the same feeling of nastiness growing at the pit of her stomach. Then the turtle winked and all hell broke loose.

She swung her sword trying her best to smash the small turtle, but, even though Tama was drunk, it avoided the attacks easily and landed on Motoko's shoulder. Quickly, the turtle leaned in and kissed Motoko on the lips.

"Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" the dark haired girl screamed. She thrashed her sword to the side, it flying into the camera causing the seen to blur.

"DON'T CRAWL IN THERE, YOU SICK TURTLE!"

Suddenly, the camera goes black.

=+=

Kitsune: So, I hear that Haitani had the video the whole time. How'd you like it? Really? I would give it to you, but this one belongs to Haitani. But, for a small fee, I'm willing to sell it.

Kitsune: Where is he? Let's just say his pencils are of use in a place that contains no school.

Kitsune: So, I still have a few more movies that you could see: Keitaro, Naru, Mutsumi, and Su are still on the market!

===

Location: Secret Base, a.k.a. Tea House.

Motoko sits across from Keitaro, Su, Shinobu, Naru, Mutsumi, and Sarah. All of them look solemn and withdrawn.

Motoko coughs in her hand to get everyone's attention. "I think Kitsune is showing various videos of us for profit."

Mutsumi grins her simple grin and says, "Fu, fu, fu, how nice of her!"

Keitaro shakes his head vigorously. "Nothing but nice, Mutsumi! It has all our mishaps!"

Sarah nods abruptly. "We have proof. When I was wandering by her room, I heard the words: 'DON'T CRAWL IN THERE, YOU SICK TURTLE!'" Sarah shakes her head. "I just can't place the voice…and who in their right mind would let a turtle that close?"

Motoko blushes as Naru jumps up and slams her fist on the ground, inadvertently causing a few cracks to appear on the floor. "We have to stop her! She might show that video of me and that sock puppet!"

"You think you have it bad?" Keitaro counters. "She has video of me and that transvestite! I DIDN'T KNOW!!!!!!!!" Keitaro falls into his own little world of agony as the other residents continue to talk about the situation.

"We should stop her," Shinobu starts up, holding her frying pan very close to her chest. "She might show the video of Su and that stripper!"

Su grinned. "I made that stripper for Kitsune's present but she did something to it! I called him the Pelvic Thruster 5000!"

Motoko cringed. "Whatever it is, we have to stop her immediately. Anyone have a plan?"

=End Chapter=


	5. Essence of the Forbidden

__

I don't own any parts of Love Hina

===

Kitsune: Where are you going? Where are you going? I know it's taken me awhile to find Naru's video, but here it is!

She holds up a video where the words 'Essence of the Forbidden' is scribbled along the front. She pops it into the cassette player and holds her breath. 

===

Location: Secret Base, AKA Tea House

Haruka stares at the group who appears to be in a heated discussion. She wouldn't have minded, except Motoko brought out her blade at that moment and was glowing in anger as Su took out one of her many bazookas and aimed it at Keitaro. Obviously, her nephew had said another stupid thing and was getting himself into deeper and deeper shit, but this was scaring away her business.

On the other end of the tea house, Naru watches with a sense of glee as the first shot of Su's weapon hits Keitaro in the nuts--that is until she feels a cold shiver run up her body, as if she knew that Kitsune would show movies of her next. She had to stop this and stop it quickly.

"Everyone!" she screams at the top of her lungs.

No one looks at her.

"GUYS!"

Still, Motoko and Su are occupied with trying to damage Keitaro, Sarah is cheering them on, and Shinobu is standing over Mutsumi who looks--wait--DEAD????

"HEY!"

Haruka's voice brakes over the racket and almost instantly, they settle down and look at her. Even Mutsumi's soul, which had been on the verge of floating away, stops in mid flight and turns to look at the elder woman.

"Do that shit somewhere else." With those words of wisdom, Haruka strolls back to the other end of the tea house.

"She's right," Naru says as soon as Haruka leaves. "We have to get those videos out of Kitsune's collection. We have to stop it now!"

"You're just saying that because you don't want the world to see you and that sock puppet," Keitaro murmurs from the ground.

"I was just _pretending _to make out with it! You know, practicing!" Naru defends herself.

"IT GOT TO THIRD BASE!" As soon as Keitaro finishes that sentence, he knows that he is dead. "Oh, crap," he groans as Naru flies at him.

===

After a few blurry lines, the video flashes on the screen then explodes.

Kitsune: What the hell? What happened?

She ejects the tape and peers at the label. A small frown mars her face as she glances at the small crowed.

Kitsune: It says rated R, and I forgot this was a PG-13 viewing. . . Maybe I should find another tape. Give me a moment.

Kitsune scrambles out of the room, but while she's gone, one of the more horny watchers grabs the tape and sticks it back into the video tape player.

=Essence of the Forbidden=

Naru stood in the middle of her room as she contemplated her relationship with Seta. She had loved him for the longest time and the day before, she had asked him out on a date with a lot of pressure from Kitsune.

Kitsune sat on the edge of Naru's bed, a cup of sake in her hands and her eyes staring smartly at the younger girl. "Big date tonight, right?"

Naru blushed. She had already grabbed a brush and ran it through her long hair, making herself look as nice as possible. "Yes," Naru murmured.

"Giving it up tonight too?"

Naru turned, her face turning red as she hurled the brush at Kitsune. Kitsune ducked out of the way as she laughed. "I meant are you going to let him KISS you tonight!"

"Well--I--nev--"

"Ah, so you've never had a kiss before, have you?"

"No."

Kitsune looked at the direction of the camera she had implanted and winked at it. She then stood up abruptly and said, "Hold on. I've got an idea."

She rushed out of the room while Naru pulled out some clothes to wear. She began to change, pulling off her shirt, when Kitsune rushed back into the room with a little sock over her hands. She shoved it in front of Naru's face and said, "This is Rei. You can practice kissing with it!"

Naru made a disgusted face and pushed away the sock. "Kiss a sock? Are you serious?" Naru continued to get dressed.

"Of course I am. I mean," Kitsune tried to think quickly. "Wouldn't it be embarrassing if it's a cool night, your hair's stirring as the sun's setting and Seta is standing at your side. Suddenly, he glances down at you, leans over and his lips touches yours--then he pulls back because you're such a horrible kisser and he never sees you EVER again!"

Naru's face became pale.

Kitsune dropped the sock puppet onto Naru's bed and backed out of the room. "I'll just leave that there and if you feel that you need to practice, feel free to _use_ it."

Kitsune closed the door behind her, leaving Naru and the sock puppet alone. 

Naru glanced at the sock puppet, then away. She repeats that maneuver several times before she drops on her knees and puts the sock puppet over her hand.

"Okay, Rei, I'm just practicing--this really isn't a first kiss--so…" 

Naru shut her eyes and leaned in closer until her lips touched the furry sock puppets "mouth."

Within minutes, she was giving the small object butterfly kisses. Her tongue delved into the oriface, Frenching it. Suddenly, she dropped down in her bed with the sock puppet above her, it caressing her shoulder and slowly sliding down until--

===

Kitsune runs back in and hit's the stop button.

Kitsune: If we want to keep this at PG-13, we stop there! So, who wants to buy this?

Kitsune: Well, there's still three more tapes to view: Keitaro, Mutsumi, and Su's…actually I want to show you Su's at the end, as a finally. So, pick between Keitaro and Mutsumi for now. 


	6. Dirty

I don't own any parts of Love Hina

===

Kitsune: Oh man, I shouldn't have drank that sake; should've known anything that I find underneath a pile of old thongs owned by Granny Hina shouldn't be touched. Damn, what day is it today? I have such a migraine! Now, let's see if there's any damage to the goods…legs still shaved…bra still on…butt still perky…

She notices audience and freezes in the poking and prodding of herself.

Kitsune: I'm sorry, did you want to feel? No…? Are you sure, it feels quite nice, if you ask me. 

She sits down and rubs the drool off her chin.

Kitsune: So, what day is it today? You're kidding me! That means I must have been out for over a month! Why didn't you wake me? Were you too busy taking pictures of this glorious body? I'm just kidding…you weren't were you? Oh, as long as you give me money, I don't mind. So where were we? Ah, yes, the videos. Well, I have Mutsumi and Keitaro right now so, let's see the hands for Keitaro…uh-huh, now, Mutsumi…oh, yeah…there we go, we have a winner. Mutsumi goes first, than Keitaro, and as the grand finale, Su and her amazing, and I do mean _amazing_ robot…

She pops tape into VCR.

Kitsune: Man, do I have to use the restroom. Be right back.

===

Dirty

===

She felt hot and sweaty after her ordeal with the turnip and the garden. It had proven tougher than she had ever thought, and she was now ready to relax in a nice steamy bath tub full of water. She practically grinned at the thought, then clapped her hands. "Ara, now to take a nice bath!"

She began to walk down hill, because up hill required too much work. She headed into an area filled with women who were waiting at a corner for someone. They all looked so fanciful, dressed up in mini skirts, tight, low cut shirts, and heavy, heavy, makeup. They appeared to be in need of a cab or something, since they were constantly haling drivers off the side of the road. Frowning, she stepped to the edge and decided to help them get a ride.

As she waved her hand, her skirts billowed up in the wind and several drivers instantly stopped. One of them even stopped in front of her and opened his door for her to get in. 

His grin grew wider as he looked at her delectable body. "Do you need any help?"

Mutsumi smiled. "Well," she began as she moistened her lips, "I feel really dirty, sir," she said in a hushed tone.

"I bet you do."

"Will you help me?"

The man couldn't help but pull her arm into his car and start to drive. 

"Oh, I know a place that is just delicious, can you take me there?"

The man nodded as drool slipped down his chin.

In a few seconds, they were at Hinata Hotel/Dorm. Outside, Kitsune, who was hiding in the shrubs, had focused her camera on the approaching car, had a few in each of the bedrooms and one in the hot spring. She wasn't about to miss anything. Dusting her hands, she wiped them on her pants and hopped off, to distract some of her roommates, more importantly, Kanako and Naru who would disapprove of this invasion of privacy. "Talk about _invasion_," Kitsune remarked to herself and left.

Mutsumi got out of the car and the man, who reminded her a lot of a rat, slipped out and followed her. She turned her head slightly, seeing the man still behind her, she smiled. "Ara, do you want to come in?"

"Excuse me?" he asked, not truly believing his ears.

"Come in?"

"May I?" he asked, a perverted sensation exuding from his body at her words. She led him inside, ready to go up the stairs when Naru with a Kitsune trying to push her back, opened a door and saw Mutsumi. 

"HI!" Naru said as she saw Mutsumi and the man.

Kitsune ground her feet into the floor and yelled, "Get back into that room, you naughty girl! You're ruining all my hard work! I'm not finished yet!"

A hungry and selfish look flashed over the man's face at the thought of two girls…oh, man! No one would believe him if they saw this.

"Excuse me," the man muttered, "Where's the bathroom? I must," he cleared his throat, "shine my flute."

"Shine your flute?" Mutsumi asked, "I didn't know you had instruments with you. Will you play something for us?"

"I'm a little shy to…er…perform in front of anyone."

"Oh," Mustumi said a little crestfallen, "I would have loved to watch you shine your flute. I wonder, how much do you shine it each day?"

Naru, intrigued by this conversation, stood next to the man with a wondrous look in her eyes. "Yes, do you have to shine it a lot?"

Kitsune had fallen into hysterics by that time and had to hide in her room, tears streaming down her face.

===

Kitsune: So, how was it? Yea, I know nothing really happened after that, but Naru and Mutsumi got really interested in the whole politics of a band and forgot about everything else. They even started ignoring the poor bugger who lost his shiny flute within seconds and went home feeling dejected. Poor loser.

Anyway, now we have the second to last tape: Young Keitaro. But, I would like a special someone to introduce this tape, since they taped it. She'll be here on Monday (meaning we shall have the next video shown by then). For now, let's party. I found more sake underneath this loose floor board…

===

Location: Secret Base AKA Tea House

Haruka waited and waited and waited. For over a month, Naru had been beating her nephew nonstop. Finally, as the sweat at her brow beaded, her movements grew sluggish and she stopped, falling next to Motoko.

Haruka leaned casually against the wall and said, "Now that you're done, did any of you formulate a plan to get the tapes?"

None of them said a word. 

Haruka reached into her pocket and pulled out a cigarette. She lit it slowly and took a deep breath, taking the smoke into her body, then letting it go with a sigh. Turning to Su, who was staring wide eyed at her, Haruka whispered, "Plan 347293 should work." Haruka tossed her cigarette to the ground and stomped on it, leaving the rest of the girl's and a bloodied Keitaro behind.

Su suddenly popped up with her evil smirk. "Plan 347293! I forgot about that!" Turning to the rest of the girls, she said, "Shinomu and Turtle Lady, find Tama, Naru and Keitaro, get some uniforms for us, Sarah, follow me, we need to get to our plans in my room by night fall…or tomorrow…By next week, we shall have all the videos in our clutches! Nyahahahahahahahahaha!"

The group grinned (well, Keitaro deflated) and split up. The 347293 plan never failed.


	7. Burgeoning Manhood

I don't own any parts of Love Hina.

===

Location: One of the various tunnels in the Hina Inn/Dorm.

Su slid down one of the tunnels holding onto her hat that had a special light on it. It lit up the dark and empty tunnel that led to who knows where.

The light shown on a divergent pathway. One side, it appeared, carried a skull and crossbones over the entrance, the other had etches of turtle writing on it. Su sat back and looked at both. 

Sarah, who had been following her the entire time, stopped and stared. "Where are we going?"

Su held up a finger. "You'll find out."

She turned into the hallway with the turtle writing and Sarah let out a sigh of relief. Whatever had awaited them in the tunnel with the skull and cross couldn't have been good.

Naru held the radio up to her ear and heard Su's scratchy voice. "Remember," she heard Su say, "Strike at noon. We'll be there as soon as we can."

Keitaro looked at the girl's solemnly. "What exactly is this plan that you girls have?"

Motoko shined her sword, blowing lightly at the tip, then scrubbing quickly. Her eyes jerked up at Keitaro's words and she grinned a toothy grin.

=

Kitsune: Well, everyone, I'm happy to introduce my special guest. Please welcome, Mrs. Urashima!

A small lady who looks a lot like Keitaro enters. The only real differences are her hair, which is longer and pulled into a bun behind her head, and her choice of clothes which is a long lavender skirt and long sleeved black shirt hidden behind a large apron. She grins at everyone, weakly, and moves inside carrying a VHS in her hands.

Kitsune: Well, Mrs. Urashima--can I call you Mom?--What do you have for us today?

Mom: Well, when my little Kei was still living with us and helping us make bean cakes, he use to talk about this girl that he knew when he was growing up, saying things like how he wanted to find her, to get into Tokyo U. Well, I thought he was insane. Why would any girl have eyes for _my_ baby boy? But he insisted--

Kitsune: Yes, yes, all the boring stuff. Can we skip to the hot--er--the tasty--um--the meat of the story?

Mom: Oh yes, sorry to prattle off like that…well, to get his mind off of this imaginary friend of his, I decided to fix him up…and I taped it--it being his first date and all. Besides, I bet my husband that he wouldn't get any action--

Kitsune grabs the tape and pushes it into the VCR.

Kitsune: Well, let's watch!

===

Burgeoning Manhood

===

Keitaro Urashima, a young man of no more than fifteen years, walked uncertainly to a doorstep in the bad part of town. His mother, bless her soul, had found a "nice young friend" for him to play with. He didn't know who it was, but he was ready to tell this play date that he wasn't interested. 

He lifted his hand to knock on the door when it swung open and someone of about the same age as him peeked their head over the threshold. 

Keitaro held his breath. This was a vixen to the extreme: long legs, tiny waist, large--he forced his eyes to look up and stare into her face. She smiled at him and grabbed his wrist, pulling him inside.

"Hello," she said in a honey sweet voice, "I'm Jamie. I just moved here."

Keitaro was too excited to talk. He could just imagine Jamie in nothing more than lingerie whispering dirty words into his ear. Oh, and her hands, with fingers so long and delicate, cascading down his chest and down his stomach and--ooooh!

__

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap! Keitaro thought to himself as he turned around quickly trying his best to hide _himself_. How could he let his mind wander so fast like that? He barely knew Jamie! He shut his eyes and tried to imagine something else.

"Keitaro? Is everything all right?"

He nodded jerkily and started to whisper, "Baseball," over and over.

Jamie grinned, stood behind him, bent lower so that the words that were whispered would blow into his ear, and said, "What are you doing?"

Keitaro shivered. 

Slowly, arms slid over his shoulder, pulling him back so that he rested against something so soft. He shivered in delight, feeling Jamie's chest pressed against his back. 

Jamie leaned forward and nipped at Keitaro's ear, watching the happiness on his face for a second. "You've never been with anyone like me before, have you?"

Keitaro shook his head. He hadn't been with anyone, ever. However, he was too turned on to vocalize any word. He almost melted into Jamie's arms which turned him around. Jamie kissed his neck, his cheeks, his brow, then said, "Do you want to go upstairs?"

Keitaro almost solidified. This was like something out of a porn movie. He could just imagine taking Jamie in his arms and letting his play date experience something that both of them would never, ever forget.

He flew up the stairs and into the first bedroom he could find. Jaime entered just after him and walked over to the bed. Laying down, his play date beckoned Keitaro to come and lay in the bed. Keitaro was there in less than a second running his hand up and down Jaime's leg.

As his hand slowly moved up, he felt something that he thought souldn't be there. Something hard. Keitaro looked down quickly and saw something growing on Jamie. He bent down to take a closer inspection but stopped halfway as realization dawned on him.

He looked at his play date closely, saw the hair on Jaime's fingers, saw the Adam's apple on Jaime's neck…noticed the five o' clock shadow on Jaime's chin…Keitaro fell out of the bed, shocked and mortified.

"You're a man?" Keitaro asked.

"Well, yeah. I just wear this get up for fun. Your mom knows. Didn't she tell you?"

=

Kitsune: A man?

Mom: I thought he was gay.

Kitsune shrugged slightly and pulled the tape out of the VCR. 

Kitsune: Well, that was enlightening. Anyone want this?

Mom: Oh, no. That is a family heirloom. We plan to pass this down from generation to generation.

Mrs. Urashima grabbed the tape out of Kitsune's hands and exited.

Kitsune: Well, I guess the last thing we can do now, is watch the last tape…now where is it?

=

Su crept into her room, a jungle filled with water and various plants and animals. She swam slowly down the lake, looking for something that would catch her eye. On the far side, she saw a piece of bamboo with scratches on it. It was the master plan.

Looking behind her, she needed something to distract all the booby traps she placed around it.

Glancing behind her, she picked up Sarah and threw her onto the first. Large knives were hurled at the blonde who glanced up quickly. Having been in situations like this with her papa, she leapt to her feet and dove into the water. 

As the knives soared passed her, she burst from the water and glared at Su. "What the hell was that for?"

Su shrugged. "I booby trapped the whole place. The other way, with the skull and crossbones would have led straight to the master plan without any hitches."

"So why did we take this route?!"

Su thought for a second. Suddenly she said, "It would've been less fun. Now, let's get the master plan." Picking up Sarah, she tossed her again.

"Damn yoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooou!" Sarah yelled as she sailed into a spider's web…


	8. Lonely Jimmy

I don't own any parts of Love Hina.

===

Keitaro was overjoyed that he was finally working on a plan with the girls rather than having the plan be done to him…besides, plan 347293 sounded interesting--except for the fact that he was currently wearing a mini skirt and had long, vivacious, blonde hair on his head as well as lipstick smeared across his lips.

Naru stood next to him decked out in slacks, a dress shirt and a top hat. She also had a moustache underneath her nose that caused her to sneeze constantly. Beside her, Mutsumi was wearing a similar suit except that she wore suspenders instead of a belt.

"Why am I in girl's clothes and you guys are in guy clothes," he asked as Mutsumi handed him more things to stuff his bra.

"Well," she said with a grin, "other than the fact that you look better in that than we do, it's just how plan 347293 goes."

Naru eyed Keitaro's chest for a second, sneezed, then said, "Your boobs are too high. You need to lower them."

"How would you know?" Keitaro asked as he tried to smoosh more tissue in there.

Naru frowned. "Well, I _know_ because _I'm_ a girl!" Naru's frown grew deeper as she watched Keitaro continue stuffing. "Now it looks like one gigantic torpedo in your damned chest! You're stuffing too much!"

Mutsumi giggled. "Well, I wonder what the audience would prefer. Two small ones or one gigantic one."

Before Naru could pounce on Keitaro, Motoko appeared next to them wearing her usual practice clothes. "Su and Sarah are ready. Everyone to their stations."

"Oh," laughed Mutsumi, "how exciting!"

===

Kitsune: So, we're finally at our last video. I guess I'm a little sad since this _is_ our last time together…then again the thought of all the money that I'm getting can't make me stop from smiling. So, ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, here's our last tape.

Kitsune wanders to her secret stash of video tapes and pulls out her VHS that is sparkly and golden. As she bends over and shoves the tape into the tape player, she misses the fact that three people enter the room and slip to the back where they can barely be seen.

Kitsune stands once more and looks at the audience.

Kitsune: Well, it's been grand folks!

===

Lonely Jimmy

===

Su wiped the sweat off her brow and finished with a loud moan. She stood up shakily and eyed the large metal machine with awe. Never before had she spent so much time with a mechanism…but, in the end, it was all worth it.

For three weeks straight, she had been building her new invention as a present for Kitsune's birthday. She had followed Kitsune around, seeing what the elder girl liked, then finally came up with the Pelvic Thruster 5000, an android that could strip and was anatomically correct. Su hoped that Kitsune would love it.

And lucky for Su that today they were throwing a surprise birthday party for Kitsune. Sneaking down the stairs, with Malcolm Sex* (she had given that nickname to the Pelvic Thruster 5000), she found a large birthday cake that Shinobu had spent two days working on. Digging out the center of the cake, Su made sure there was ample space for Malcolm Sex and placed him inside. Just as Su was replacing the top of the cake, Shinobu appeared with icing and said, "Do you want to help me put icing on the cake? This is going to be sticky fun!"

Su pounced on the blue haired girl and said, "I hope so!"

--

Kitsune sat in the middle of the living room opening present after present, each filled with blank video tapes and sake bottles--all that the fox-eyed woman asked for. She looked into the camera that Mutsumi held and gave a thumbs up right before she downed an entire bottle of alcohol.

"Now," Shinobu announced cheerfully as she jumped up and looked around. "I baked you a large cake, Kitsune. I hope you love it!"

Motoko wheeled the overly large cake into the room. It was beautiful with several creamy layers and candles that sparkled all around it. Kitsune stood up and said, "Thank you everyone, I--"

Before she could finish the sentence, the cake started to throb. Shinobu looked at it with concern and whispered, "This isn't suppose to be happening." She stood up to check what the problem was when something burst from the side of the cake. It was a large machine that was doing a sexy little dance toward the young girl.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!" Shinobu cried as she ran behind Naru.

Motoko was the first to react, whipping out her sword and slashing at the robot. Instead, the robot dashed forward, grabbed the sword, jammed it into the floor, and used it as a pole to dance from.

"Happy birthday, Kitsune. This is the Pelvic Thruster 5000, my gift to you!" Su yelled from the side. She handed Kitsune the controls to the machine and Kitsune grinned wickedly. 

"Do you mean," Kitsune hiccupped, "I have complete control of this thing???"

The machine twirled around the sword then turned it's head toward Kitsune, winking at her. Kitsune giggled and began to hit random buttons on the control.

As Kitsune hit the controller, Malcolm Sex's dance got more heated as it thrusted it's way toward Keitaro.

"NOT AT ME!" Keitaro screamed as it came closer and closer. "PLEASE, NOT AT ME!"

Suddenly, Malcolm Sex turned, it's eyes gleaming red and focusing on Naru. It beckoned with it's finger for her to come closer as it's hips swayed methodically.

"Make it stop!" Naru screamed, too vexed to take her eyes away from the machine.

But Kitsune was too into hitting random buttons enjoying the fact that each time she pushed one down, it glowed.

Malcolm Sex's hips began to rotate violently as it took steps closer to the woman. Then in an incoherent voice, it whispered, "You are my Sex Goddess, I must make you happy--"

"What is it doing?" Naru asked, thoroughly frightened.

"Ah!" Su cried with a clap of her hands. "The special feature works! It thinks you are it's Sex Goddess. It wants to anoint your feet with it's own special oils."

"I hope that's not what I think it means," Mutsumi said offhandedly as the demon robot made it's way toward Naru, all of it's eyes glowing a brilliant red.

===

The lights suddenly shut off followed by all the power in Kitsune's room. The movie stops in mid viewing and everyone starts to boo. Kitsune, shocked at what is occurring, jumps up and moves to her television. She presses several buttons, then looks apologetically at you. 

Kitsune: Well, it appears we're having technical difficulties.

Kitsune tried to hit the television several times, but it didn't work. Curious now, wondering why out of all times, it had come to something like this. She was about to loose all the money in the world all because of this stupid…

Voice: Nyahahahahahahaha! It's time for you to meet your maker!

A burst of wind flew at Kitsune's bedroom window, and it exploded, sending shards of glass inside the room. A grinning Su and Sarah suddenly popped in, each with a stupid grin on there face. 

Kitsune: Oh, shit! Not plan 458892!

Sarah: No.

Kitsune: Uh.. 6774221

Sarah: No.

Kitsune: Err… Plan Give Kitsune _Lonely Jimmy_?

Sarah: Jimmy? Plan 347293 you fox-eyed dumbass!

Kitsune: 347293...

Since Kitsune was an original formulator of the plan, so she knew the tricks and could counter them all. She looked up at Su who was smiling wickedly and had a small controller in her hand. Kitsune's eyes then traveled to Sarah who was video taping the entire event. 

Kitsune: So, this is payback!

Man: Retribution for showing tapes of us!

Kitsune looked around and saw a man in a handlebar mustache. He looked drop dead gorgeous for a man and Kitsune found herself traveling toward this stranger. She sniffed, smelling the distinct perfume of Naru.

Kitsune's eyes opened and she turned to Su who was pressing the button. 

Kitsune's mind worked quickly. If Naru wasn't the one with the mechanism…She looked around her and noticed a female with one large boob. Kitsune grinned.

As Su hit the button, the blonde's top ripped apart revealing a mechanized arm that dashed toward them. The hand grabbed the clothes of the person in front of it and ripped it off.

Naru: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kitsune had grabbed Naru by the arm and forced the younger woman into the path of the arm. Naru tried to cover up as best as she could while her anger was plainly written all over her face. 

Before Naru could attack her, Kitsune slipped to where Mutsumi stood and, with quick hands, slipped the women's suspenders off. She then took three quick steps to the window and jumped out.

Su: Change of plan! 347293 is now 34729--!

Meanwhile, Kitsune stopped listening and had hooked the suspenders onto a nearby tree. She then propelled herself up to one of the limbs and took a break. She was sweating profusely and debating on what she would do next.

Kitsune: Where the hell's the safest place?

Her mind thought quickly, but then she heard the screams of Motoko coming closer. Kitsune had just enough energy to leap out of the way before a blast of wind tore up the branch that she had been sitting in. _Damn!_

Kitsune slipped out of the tree and ran as fast as she could to the kitchen.

Kitsune: Maybe Shinobu would help.

When she threw open the door, the younger girl was staring wide eyed at Kitsune.

Shinobu: Kitsune? What are you doing here?

Kitsune: Listen, I need a place to hide.

Shinobu: Of course, of course. I heard the other girl's screaming and yelling…here, you can hide in here.

Shinobu opened the room into the pantry. Kitsune thanked her and fell inside. The elder woman leaned her head against the wall and took three steadying breaths before she heard the sounds of the following:

Click.

Kitsune ran to the door and tried to pry it open, but it was locked. 

Shinobu: I caught her! Someone, I caught her.

Kitsune could hear the patter of feet coming toward her and knew that her problems just escalated. With the girl's at her feet, then she was done for. This was what she got for trusting an innocent face!

Kitsune looked around and saw a vent. Climbing stakes of food, she pulled the metal grate off and tried to push her body through it. She managed to slip inside and crawl through it.

From behind her, she could hear voices.

Motoko: Where is she?

Shinobu: She was right here…

Su: Well, she's not here, anymore…the vents!

Kitsune double timed her efforts and crawled throughout the maze. Turning several corners, she heard laughing and tears. Curiosity overtook the younger woman and she made her way to the sound.

When she burst through the vent, she saw her audience watching a video tape of herself trying to flirt with a person in another language.

===

Kitsune leaned in closer to the man and grinned slyly as she ran a finger up his chest. 

"I like man with BIG nuts!" she whispered as seductively as possible.

The man merely blushed and tried to look away, but Kitsune, thinking he was playing hard to get, ran her hands up his jaw and forced him to look back at her. She licked her lips slowly and whispered, "I want to eat Lonely Jimmy."

She crawled on top of the man, forcing him to stay in his seat. "You are my telletubbie, baby."

The man pushed her off, screamed, and ran away.

===

Kitsune hopped out of the vent as Mutsumi ejected the tape and held it up. How could she forget plan 347293 part B, which is what they did…Then again, where did they get that? Kitsune asked that question aloud.

Su appeared next to her and grinned.

Su: Remember when I followed you around everywhere? That's where that tape was from.

Kitsune rubbed her temples and frowned. 

Kitsune: Okay, okay, I guess I deserved that. 

Naru burst through the crowed, covered in the dress that Keitaro had been wearing, her face bright with anger. 

Naru: You're going to pay for this!

Kitsune: Oh crap!

Kitsune ran out the door, never looking back, knowing the second that she faltered in her steps was the second that her life would end.

Kitsune: Mutsumi! Sell whatever I have and I'll share the profits with you 90-10!

Mutsumi laughed and stared at the audience. Once Naru and Kitsune had rushed out, followed by Su, Sarah, and Motoko, she held the tape up to the audience.

Mutsumi: Okay, who wants a copy?

Lonely Jimmy: I do!

=END=

__

*From an episode of the Simpsons.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed and read, or even bothered to look at this story at all. It wouldn't have been created without you guys. Also, thanks to my little sister who helped me imagine some of this crap, as well as my friends who had some, well, interesting tales done to them…your embarrassing stories were inspirational.

****

Disclaimer: By the by, I don't own any Lonely Jimmy's. This was a fictional character, made up for the use of humor…


End file.
